Three years in the making. A Microsoft Excel spreadsheet with over 600 entries on from locales as unlikely as Azerbaijan and Central African Republic. And it finally came to this – part one of our road trip to find the weirdest, rudest and funniest place name signs in the country.
Accompanied by Mark, driver and chief finder of signs, we had planned a three day bonanza across the entire south of England. This did not go to plan. We ended up aborting the journey at a McDonalds in Newbury after our sat nav/camera hybrid (Mark’s phone) with all the requisite postcodes failed us in dramatic style and we ended up about 100 miles behind schedule.
In any case, we still got about 30 places ticked off the list. And here they are:
[CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO BRING UP A SLIDESHOW WITH COMMENTARY]
BADGERS MOUNT: Starting off with an oldie but goldie. Unforunately it is on a busy road, so is difficult to stop for – hence the distance and blurriness.
PRATTS BOTTOM: Very close to Badgers Mount.
HONEY POT LANE: The first one that I am in the car for. Honey Pot Lane is next to a village called Noah’s Ark. I don’t know why it’s called that.
BUSTY LANE: Sadly, no breast augmentation businesses have taken advantage of the real estate opportunities down here.
BANGAYS WAY: Only built and named in 2014 (causing a bit of a stir, but fear not – it’s named after local historian Frank Bangay), this is not yet on Google Maps, so we had to find it by trial and error. It was near a sewage farm.
PIKEY LANE: Only in Maidstone would you a) have a road called Pikey Lane, and b) have the Pikey Lane road sign stolen by pikeys. Classic Maidstone.
LOOSE: This is the only one that I feature in. Fittingly.
STIFF STREET FARM: There was a portable sign next to it that we considered stealing, but decided not to because stealing is wrong.
BUTTSOLE POND: Heheheh, the graffiti.
BLAZING DONKEY: …why? Just why?
HAM SANDWICH: Not rude, but the best sign anyway. In a fit of genius I suggested Mark hold up my sandwich by the sign. Sadly it was a chicken sandwich, so I wrote HAM on it to pretend it was a ham sandwich. It’s not very convincing.
LYMINGE: While driving through this Kentish village, Mark wound down the window and shouted “MINNNGE!!!” very loudly out the window at a local resident. The local resident – an elderly man – laughed a lot. Soon after this, Mark changed all the lyrics of ‘Mysterious Girl’ to ‘Mysterious Minge’, with graphic lyrics that were impressively ad-libbed on the spot. I cry-laughed so hard I could not breathe.
VIRGINS LANE: We crossed into Sussex. By this point I’d started breathing again. Then Mark pulled this face.
DUMB WOMANS LANE: ….don’t worry, I’m going to see Suffragette at the cinema to make up for how much I laughed at this.
LOWER DICKER: Would be incomplete without…
UPPER DICKER: So much dicker.
JUGGS CLOSE: Intersects with a road called Boobs Nearby. (Well, it will when I’m Prime Minister and make them rename roads at my whim.)
COCKSHUT ROAD: By this point, Mark was struggling a bit with the pains of having driven for about 10 hours – which was still not as painful as imagining having his cockshut.
GAY STREET: Fittingly, we spent the stretch from Cockshut Road to Gay Street discussing who the most attractive male celebrities were (via a stop at a pub somewhere that served no food until the evening, but served me cider and had a pool table. Sorted.)
BALLS CROSS: “Why is he holding a spade?” you ask. He is holding a spade because there was an obstructive amount of foliage in front of the sign. Mark bashed the foliage away with a spade. We got our picture.
COCKING: We started having technical malfunctions at this point…
MANHOOD LANE: …so this is the last pic. But we’ll be back…